


The Making of Monsters

by AngelicPretty



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Bullying, Homophobia, M/M, Past, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:04:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6360670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelicPretty/pseuds/AngelicPretty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some monsters are born, and some monsters are made.</p><p>An extension of the Running on Empty AU that chronicles a relationship in Magnus' youth that helped shape him into the person he ultimately would become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Radiant Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> I hate this trope and I hate that I wrote it but here it is anyway unfortunately

“The first one was a complete _joke_ and the second was a complete disaster. But I guess they were pretty _normal_.”

“C-can I hears about the jokes one?”

“Fuck no.”

Magnus was perfectly content with leaving the past in the past, and as much as it had irrefutably shaped him as a person, if he could have his way he’d never think about the “joke” again. He had never even so much as mentioned it to a single person until now. And he didn’t know why he even had at all. He’d spent thirty years trying to forget it had ever happened.

But as with all the memories he wished he could erase from his mind, they remained as vivid as ever and utterly, relentlessly, inescapable.

 

* * *

 

The eighties were rough for many, but some faced more trials than others.

High school was a battleground with no rules and the ninth grade campus was full of young minds desperately to understand themselves and figure out just who and what they were. Despite transferring in at an awkward two months into the semester, the rest of the year continued on for Magnus uneventfully and quietly, just as he preferred. And though he still lacked friends, no less acquaintances, by the time winter break arrived, he couldn’t have asked for more.

And then on the last day before the vacation, on impulse Magnus opted to check out a book for the two week break instead of going straight home. Entering the library immediately granted him a dirty look cast from the very ready to leave librarian, so Magnus quickened his pace as he honed in on the music section, and then book he’d long been eying. Plucking from its tightly packed shelf by the spine, he quickly shot to his feet, nearly sending the top of his head into the jaw of the person suddenly hovering over him. Beyond startled, Magnus dropped the book and jerked back, looking up in horror at the person he was now obligated to apologize to.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you…” Before Magnus could kneel to pick up his book, the boy he’d almost sent to the dentist had already taken it into his hands, turning it over to see the cover before handing it back.

“The history of rock and roll?”

Wary of what the stranger wanted from him, Magnus nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. Why did he think it was his business to know what Magnus was reading?

“You’re that into rock? Can you play the guitar?”

Magnus hesitated. He wanted to lie so he could be left alone, the attention was…gratifying, in a way. “Yeah.” But it still wasn’t any of his business.

The boy smiled with a short chuckle. “That’s cool. I’m Gabe, by the way. You’re that really shy kid right? Kinda new?”

“Magnus…” He wanted to insist he wasn’t shy, but he couldn’t get the words out.

“That’s a pretty sick name. I know I’ve heard it around.” He looked back at the entrance to the library quickly, then turned his attention back to Magnus. “I think the librarian wants to close down. Let’s get you to the check-out desk.”

Magnus followed him to the front desk, clutching the book tightly. He wasn’t nervous – he just didn’t understand this guy at all.

“You’re not checking something out?” Why would he be in the far reaches of the library at the last minute if he was going home empty-handed?

“Oh, well, the book I wanted got checked out before I got here. I guess I waited too long,” he laughed and his smile was bright, almost cheesy, as he nodded down at Magnus’ book. “So, what’re your favorite bands?”

Magnus felt his eyes widen slightly and his jaw fall slack as the question processed. No one had ever asked him that before…and he had never realized just how badly he’d wanted to at the very least talk about it with someone. “There’s so many, I don’t even know where to begin…”

“Then, which of them inspires you the most?”

The question was so potent it felt like a punch in the gut. Magnus was rendered silent, even as the librarian near enough snatched the book from his hands in order to scan it.

“No need to fry your brain over it, man,” Gabe laughed, his cheesy smile now an even cheesier smirk. “Tell you what. I’m going out of state for Christmas. So you got two weeks to figure out some answers. Let’s meet here after school on the first day back. And if you want, bring a list of your favorite songs too. I’m really interested in learning more than what I hear on the radio. You down for that?”

“Y-yeah.” Magnus replied quickly, completely caught off guard with the proposal. They had already exited the library as they talked, but he hadn’t noticed until now.

“Great! I really have to run, but I’ll see you next year, Magnus!”

“See you…” Magnus raised his free hand up meekly as Gabe all but dashed off down the hall. Had he just made a friend…? He couldn’t even explain to himself what had just happened; all he could really recall now was the promise he’d unwittingly made and a bright smile that had been seared into his mind.

And with that, Gabe had managed to inject his presence in nearly every waking thought Magnus had for two short and yet agonizingly long weeks. First, he began by analyzing his favorite band, narrowing it down to his favorite guitarists until he was left with two groups. Both had not only inspired him equally, but had pushed him to keep going, even on his worst days. Taking such factors into consideration, he next began to compile a list of his favorite songs. Not wanting to overwhelm his new friend, he settled for ten and allowed himself no more.  

With his mother working long hours, he spent much of the vacation alone, but even so he kept himself busy. It was liberating to have no one home and trying to sleep, so he practiced on his acoustic guitar as loudly as he’d wanted, imagining it was the electric he’d been saving up for. By the end of the first week, Magnus felt prepared and excited, having read the book he’d checked out twice from front to cover and revisiting other books he still hadn’t unpacked from the move. And then, as he was trying to sleep, paranoia hit him without warning.

What if Gabe didn’t like any of the songs? What if Magnus got carried away talking about trivial things? What if no matter what he said it bored him to death? What if he thought Magnus was lame for only having an acoustic? And then the worst case scenarios hit: what if he didn’t even show up? What if he didn’t even remember who he is?

Magnus sat up, running a hand through his hair. Forcing himself to stand and get a glass of water to ease out of his worries, he passed his mother in the living room. She was asleep on the couch, the TV still on. He almost wished she’d been awake. He’d been wanting to talk to her about it - about anything – but he knew better. He retreated to his room with his cup and read until his eyes could no longer stay open.

Though fear plagued him, Magnus tried to remain optimistic for the remainder of the break, and on the first day of school, he decided to play it as casual as possibly. He absolutely could not let Gabe know he’d been thinking of him every day for the past two weeks. Magnus returned the book he’d borrowed and kicked back on one of the couches with a book he pretended to read. Truthfully he couldn’t focus, but he wasn’t about to spend even a second looking around and seeming desperate. Magnus couldn’t tell how much time had passed, but it had been long enough for his anxiety to fade out leaving him almost…bored. He flipped the pages of the book he wasn’t reading and sighed. At least he’d had time to mentally prepare for this outcome. Giving up, he closed the book and scanned the library as he stretched backwards over the back of the couch. He was nowhere to be seen – and then his fists hit something soft as he stretched. There was an _oof_ and Magnus shot to his feet, turning to apologize to his victim only for his jaw to drop at the sight of Gabe clutching his stomach. His eyes met Magnus’ and he forced a smile through his grimace.

“Hey- Magnus-” It was all he could get out.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry I didn’t know-” Magnus stammered. Smooth. Real smooth.

“Trying to make up for missing last time, I see…” He straightened out but kept a hand over the point of impact. “I don’t know if you just lack spatial awareness or you’re out to get me…”

“Wh-why were you behind me?” It was a stupid question and Magnus internally kicked himself for it, but the mixture of shock and relief that he had actually shown had left him a muddled mess.

“You were really sucked into that book so I wanted to give you a little scare, but that obviously backfired.”

His smile, his laugh – they were absolutely infectious. Magnus felt himself crack a smile and suddenly the sheer happiness at Gabe’s presence overflowed and escaped him. He started to laugh now too, making Gabe laugh even harder in response.

“Are you okay?” Magnus managed, palming away the wetness at his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine. But you know, I think we need to get out of here or she’s gonna chase us out with her broom.” He tried to put on a straight face as he looked past Magnus, who turned to see the librarian, among several others, glaring them down with murderous intent. Magnus hurriedly gathered up his things and they quickly took their exit, holding back their snickers all the while.

As they walked through the now empty halls, Gabe went on about how the librarian doubtlessly had a vendetta against him for some reason or the other while Magnus tried to compose himself. Everything was going to be just fine.

“You didn’t miss your bus or anything, did you?” Gabe asked as they reached the entrance of the school. The sky was overcast and the atmosphere outside gloomy at best.

“No, I live close by so I just walk home.”

“Get out of here. Me too. It’s a bit of a walk though, so sometimes my friends drop me off. Maybe when they don’t we can walk together some of the way.”

“You’d want to do that…?” Magnus was baffled. Was this how all friendships began?

“Why the hell not?” Gabe laughed. “It only makes sense. Besides you have a lot to teach me. You didn’t forget, right?”

Magnus hesitated, his eyes falling to the floor. After all the effort he’d put into making the list, a tiny part of him hoped Gabe wouldn’t remember to ask. He hadn’t realized until how embarrassing it all was. “I didn’t.” He let his backpack swing to his side and unzipped it, pulling out the narrow sheet of notebook paper he’d rewritten three times. “Here.”

Gabe took it from him, glancing over it briefly before folding it and tucking it away in his own backpack with another smile. “Awesome. I’ll find a way to listen to each of these as soon as I can and get back to you.”

“You could always borrow some of my tapes,” Magnus suddenly found himself saying, “if you wanted.” Before today, he never would have imagined lending his expensive tapes to anyone, let alone a guy he barely knew.

“Really?” Gabe’s face lit up. “I mean…It’d be kinda hard to listen to them at my house. My mom’s always home and she doesn’t really approve of ‘that kind of music.’”

Magnus finally understood. He knew how hard it was being interested in things his mother would never approve of, and at times it made him want to seek them out more out of spite. “Well, you could come over some time instead. _My_ mom’s never home.”

“I bet your dad’s the one who got you into rock in the first place, huh,” Gabe laughed.

“Nah… I don’t really know much about my dad.”

“Oh shit. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Hey,” Gabe said quickly, “let’s walk together today. It looks like it’s gonna rain so we should probably head out. You can tell me about the people that inspired you so much that you read history books for fun!”

“They’re not just _any_ history books…” Magnus muttered as Gabe pushed open the door and headed outside, breaking out into laughter again. Following after him, Magnus bit the inside of his lip. How could he smile and laugh at everything so easily? Where did he find it in him?

In the following all-too-short ten minutes, Magnus was certain he had spoken more than he had in the past month. He tried to explain the significance of his first favorite band in the simplest way, but there was just too much to say and not enough time to say it. Magnus began to worry he was rambling just as he’d feared, but Gabe seemed attentive and receptive, even bouncing questions back as he tried to wrap his mind around something completely out of his element.

Just as they reached the halfway point, the honk of a car horn caused Magnus to jump out of his skin. The two turned around to see a rather expensive looking car slowly pulling up beside them. With the windows down, Magnus could count four people who looked about his own age, two boys and two girls, sitting inside. The driver, one of the guys, pounded on the metal of his door.

“Gabe, get in. We’re gonna crash your place. Arcade had a power outage.”

No doubt noticing Magnus’ confusion, Gabe turned to him and nodded towards the car. “These are the friends I was talking about.” There was another honk and Gabe groaned. “I have to go, but we had to split up here anyway. It was fun talking with you. I’ll see you in school?”

“Y-yeah,” Magnus nodded, watching as Gabe slipped into the backseat with the two girls. He already knew they didn’t share any classes, so it’d be tough to catch each other often.  He waved goodbye as they drove off, then picked up his feet and began towards his house. The halfway point they’d ended at was actually out of his way and nearly doubled the time it took to get home, but Magnus hadn’t minded at the time. Now, as the sky finally broke into a light rain, he wished he’d made a better compromise. After finally arriving, he quickly changed out of his soggy clothes and sat on the couch, trying to review…everything. But the only two things that plagued his mind were faces – four sneering, cold faces who didn’t even acknowledge his presence, and one face whose radiance seemed to mock the cloudy, grey sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order to avoid spoilers, more warning tags will be added as chapters progress.  
> Also I don't particularly like writing OCs in fandoms, but hey.


	2. Daybreak

Magnus was certain he had never experienced a jealousy as consuming as the jealousy he harbored towards Gabe’s other friends. As the spring semester drew closer to its end, Magnus had finally grown accustomed to his sole friend. Though they didn’t share any classes, they chatted when they passed each other in the halls and coordinated the occasional rendezvous in the library during study hall. They talked of many things beyond music, but Magnus noticed Gabe very rarely talked about himself or his family, and when he did, it was always brief. Magnus, on the other hand, often found himself spilling out _too much_ about things he’d never told anyone, but much of it had come out at Gabe’s own inquisition. That had always been part of his charm. He always knew just what to ask to get Magnus out of his shell. No one else had ever made him feel quite the way Gabe did, from his crude humor that would sometimes slip out and take Magnus by surprise to his wide, beaming smile that was just so perfect that it couldn’t possibly have been real. And it was because of this that Magnus felt himself grow bitter every time he so much as glanced at one of the four best friends in the hall.

In the beginning, Magnus had expected he’d be formally introduced to the group eventually, but eventually never came. When he passed one alone, he would be either disregarded completely or eyed heavily as he walked by, leaving him self-conscious. When walking by two or more, they always seemed to sneer and smirk and whisper among each other about what Magnus could only assume was him. He didn’t even know a single one of their names; it was beyond him how they could hate him without ever having exchanged a single word. But that, Magnus could have ignored easily enough. What made him grow to actually hate them was the way they so often approached he and Gabe when they were together, and almost always stole him away for the rest of the day. Even after promises to walk home together, Gabe was easily swayed by his friends to get picked up, to go to the arcade, to go see a movie - but Magnus knew he could never bring it up. He couldn’t risk losing the only friend he had. So he swallowed it back and kept smiling. As long as they were still friends, it didn’t matter. How could he complain about having so much more than he’d ever had before?

Affirming this to himself over and over, Magnus stood at the entrance of the school, waiting for Gabe to catch up after turning in a late paper. They were supposed to walk home together for the first time in several weeks.

“Magnus!”

Magnus felt his heart skip a beat in excitement as he turned, only to see Gabe standing with his four friends. The sight was an icy slap to the face.

“You ready to go?” Magnus tried to save the situation he already knew was lost.

The four hung back as Gabe jogged up to Magnus and scratched the back of his head with a sheepish grin. “Well, actually-” Magnus’ heart sunk. “-I kinda got dragged into something today. They’re gonna be really pissed if I don’t go with them to-”

“It’s fine,” Magnus interrupted. “We still have more than a month until summer, anyway.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Gabe laughed, and Magnus was tempted to forgive him on the spot. “But you know, I was just wondering…” His voice dropped to almost a whisper and his eyes fell slightly. “On Wednesday… Will you be free after school?”

That was…unexpected. “I, uh… I think so?” Magnus tried not to give it away, but of _course_ he was. All he ever did was sit at home and do homework, then spend the rest of the night reading, watching MTV, or practicing guitar. It was far too lame to ever admit to anyone, especially Gabe. He had to play it cool, especially in a moment like this. “Is there something..?”

“Yeah, well, see, my parents aren’t gonna be home until late and I was wondering if you’d wanna come over for a while?  I was actually kinda hoping you’d bring that rad guitar of yours and you could…y’know, teach me a little? Even if I completely suck, I’ve been listening to all your music recommendations, man, and I think it’d be neat to hear you play something, too.”

Magnus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Neither of them had ever visited the other’s house before. The disappointment he’d felt mere seconds ago had been fully replaced by pure elation. He’d been so dumb, worrying that Gabe didn’t like him all that much! “I- Yeah, I think that’d be cool.” Maintaining composure was harder than he thought. “But I don’t think I can bring my guitar to school…”

“I can meet you at your house after you get home and pick it up, then we can walk back to mine. The weather’s supposed to be nice.”

“That’ll work,” Magnus smiled. He’d already checked the weather for that day? “Should I bring anything else? You have a VCR right?”

“I don’t know if we’ll have enough time to watch a movie too, but you can bring over any cassettes you haven’t had me listen to yet.”

“O-okay, I-”

“Gabe, come the _fuck_ on,” a voice whined somewhere from the midst of the four.

Gabe gave an exasperated sigh. “Always in a hurry… Well, I’ll see ya around. Don’t make any other plans!” With that, he spun on his heel and rejoined his friends once more, walking with them as they passed Magnus and headed out the door.  

Letting out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in, Magnus stood and watched Gabe’s back as the group disappeared into the parking lot. At that moment, even as he bit at his thumb in anxiety, Magnus could have sworn the grin on his face could give Gabe’s a run for its money.


	3. Darkest Dusk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains dialogue and content that some readers may find upsetting or triggering. I would like to avoid spoiling the chapter with tags, so reader discretion is advised.

Magnus tried not to let himself get too excited out of fear that something would “come up” and ruin their plans. Even the morning of, he tried to resolve himself to the unexpected that would inevitably come up, but as the school day drew to a close with no disappointments or surprises, he felt himself growing hopeful. The bell rang and they met up as arranged at the front of the school. Magnus was relieved to find Gabe alone.

“Are you sure you didn’t want to just come to my house with me instead of meeting me there?” Magnus asked, recalling Gabe’s offer from the previous day.

“I actually need to stay for a while after school.”

“Oh.” There it was.

“Hey, that doesn’t mean we’re off for today!” Gabe nudged him in the shoulder playfully. “The plan’s the same. I won’t be long here, then I’ll come to you, and we go from there.”

“Yeah, okay.” Magnus quickly put on a straight face, trying to erase his transparency. “You still have the address I gave you, right?”

“Yep.”

“Y’know, if walking back and forth is a pain, we can always just stay at my place. My mom’s never home so-”

“Well, that’s the thing. My mom _always is._ But today she’s not! This is probably, like, our only chance for you to see my place and hang out there without her breathing down our necks. God, I can’t even swear when she’s around…”

“Okay, okay,” Magnus laughed lightly. “Go do whatever you’re staying back for. I hope you’re not in trouble again.”

“I will.” Gabe laughed darkly and shrugged with a smirk. “And not yet, at least.”

They parted ways and Magnus headed home. Just as Gabe had said, the sky was bright blue and cloudless. Summer would be there soon, and Magnus looked forward to the first summer days with an actual friend. Maybe he could convince Gabe to go with _him_ to the arcade for once. He wouldn’t mind spending some of his electric guitar funds on a bit of fun together.

As soon as he got home, Magnus quickly emptied out his backpack, stuffing the cassettes and tabs he’d prepared the night before, then sliding the guitar case out from under his bed and carefully packing up his guitar. Although he’d mentioned it was an acoustic, he still hoped Gabe wouldn’t be too disappointed. But for now, he didn’t have a choice. Even at the rate he was going with his measly savings compiled of birthday money and pittances from his mother, it would take years until he could afford a half decent one. And even convincing his mother of the acoustic had been a difficult endeavor, but it had no doubt been the best decision he’d ever made.

Everything was ready within minutes, leaving Magnus on the couch flipping back and forth between two channels anxiously. There was still time for something to come up. Just as he looked up at the clock on the wall for the one millionth time, a knock at the door jolted him to his feet. His hand froze on the doorknob. Taking in a deep breath, he pressed his forehead against the cold metal of the door and tried to calm himself. Why the hell was he so nervous? Had being shy really socially stunted him _so_ much that he could barely handle hanging out with a single friend? He could do this. Gritting his teeth and mentally slapping himself, he opened the door.

“Ready for a little walk?” And there he was again, smiling so brilliantly it made Magnus’ stomach do flips. He could do this. It was going to be tough not to make a fool of himself, but he could do this.

“Yeah, let me just…” Magnus leant to the side of the doorframe, slinging his backpack onto his back and hoisting up the guitar before stepping outside and locking the door.

“You need a hand? I can carry something for you.”

“It’s okay, I got it,” Magnus replied, beginning out towards the sidewalk. “Just lead the way.”

As they walked and chatted about nothing in particular, Magnus felt guilty that he’d cast so much doubt on his friend. He didn’t know the first thing about balancing multiple friendships. It had to be tough keeping up with expectations when you were part of a group of cool and popular kids. He almost thought to casually ask about his other friends, but something in their conversation didn’t feel quite right. Gabe kept the exchange going, but his mind seemed elsewhere. In brief moment of silence, Magnus opened his mouth to ask if something was wrong, but the fact that he still barely knew anything about Gabe or his personal life reeled him back in. It would have been unwise to overstep his boundaries or spoil the mood so early.

They arrived at medium sized house that rather unassuming on the outside, but the moment Gabe opened the door, Magnus’ felt his jaw drop. It looked like a model home in its lavish and modern style without a trace of the seventies to be seen. Taking off his shoes at the front door, he followed after Gabe into the living room and set the guitar case down with his backpack next to the obscenely expensive looking couch. Magnus tried not to gawk as he glanced around the room, his eyes flitting from the large TV and VCR combo, no doubt the latest model, to the tall bookcase stuffed full of unread books and useless decorative trinkets – and a large impressive boombox on the middle shelf. Rendered speechless, Magnus just looked around, wide-eyed, as he tried to take it all in. He’d never been near such luxuries before. Hell, their new house had felt like a palace compared to their last, but standing against Gabe’s digs it felt more like a dump. Most of his things were hand-me-downs and thrifted and their TV was almost as old as he was.

Gabe smirked as he nodded to the wall behind Magnus. He turned and looked up only for his stomach to drop at the most amazing sight he’d ever beheld in person: an electric guitar hung on the wall as if it were merely a painting serving to fill an empty space. Magnus ran a hand through his hair, overwhelmed.

“It’s really neat, isn’t it?” Gabe was beaming with pride.

“You… You had an electric guitar this whole time?” Magnus shook his head in disbelief.

“Technically, yeah. But it’s my dad’s, and he’s made it a point of letting me know I can never touch it, let alone play it.” He cleared his throat and mimicked his father’s voice in a half serious, half goofy way. _“‘It’s strictly for looks, Gabriel, are we clear?’_ I’m sure you know how it is.”

“Not really.” Magnus gave the guitar one last longing look before resigning himself to never touching it. He moved to the side of the couch, still too nervous to sit and risk damaging something so opulent. “I guess your dad’s the one who got you interested in this stuff?” He recalled the time Gabe had once asked him the same.

“Eh, not really. But I guess not being able to touch it made me want to know more.”

“Well,” Magnus smiled reassuringly, nudging his guitar case, “you can touch this one.” Magnus nearly choked on the words as they came out, unable to stop them as he realized what he was saying. Smooth. Real smooth. Magnus closed his eyes. He felt like dying. “Th-that came out wrong-”

But Gabe only laughed it off, not missing a beat. “What all did you bring again?”

Grateful for the quick recovery, Magnus dug through his bag and withdrew four tapes. “These three I’ve already had, but _this_ one is brand new. Even I haven’t listened to it yet.”

At Gabe’s request, Magnus finally sat on the couch and emptied his bag on the coffee table, allowing Gabe to sift through the sheet music, tabs, and cassettes before picking one of the old ones. “I know this A-side pretty well, so do you think - if it isn’t too hard - maybe you can show me how to play it?”

“Yeah, man,” Magnus nodded, pulling the case over and opening it. He’d figured Gabe would want to try playing. “Just a warning, I’m not sure I’ll be a good teacher, and it is going to be a little painful. But we can start from the top.”

“Painful?”

Magnus stretched out his left hand, turning his palm up to show the pads of his fingers and running his thumbnail against each dry and cracked callus. “Pretty sure I’ve killed the nerves where I hold the strings down. When I first started, the skin on my fingertips was numb for weeks.” Noticing Gabe’s look of faint horror, he gave a shrug. “But maybe it won’t happen to you. I probably did something wrong since I taught myself and had to use a right-handed guitar.”

“Why didn’t you get a left-handed one?”

“This was the only one on sale and if I waited any longer my mom would have changed her mind,” Magnus admitted. “It probably wasn’t my smartest decision, but I make it work.”

“Damaged nerves and teaching yourself how to play with the wrong hand… I mean, I knew you were dedicated, but…”

Pressing his lips together to stifle a proud smile, Magnus couldn’t help but take it as a compliment. Confirming Gabe still wanted to learn, Magnus took the guitar into his lap and tuned it as he explained how the instrument worked, but when he began to demonstrate simple chords, he realized the tension he’d had earlier had disappeared – and seemingly gone straight into the usually cool and collected Gabe. He’d gone quiet as his eyes watched Magnus’ hands, but his mind seemed elsewhere. Unsure of what else to do, Magnus handed him the guitar to help him out of his thoughts. Maybe he was bored with instruction. Magnus bit the inside of his lip as he searched for a different approach. An idea came to him.

“So there’s this...” Gabe’s eyes were suddenly on him and he nearly lost his train of thought. “Well, in the summer, there’s going to be a concert by some local groups. I was probably going to go alone, but you can totally come with…if you want to.”

“Oh-” Gabe gaze dropped to the guitar’s strings. “Yeah, I don’t know…”

“Y-you don’t have to or anything, I just thought I’d ask…” His spirits sank at Gabe’s indifference after being so sure he’d be interested. “Maybe n-”

Something shattered in the room over.

 _“Fucking idiots…”_ Gabe suddenly swore under his breath, leaning back to look down the hall in futility.

“What was that?” Magnus tried to look too, his heart racing from the unexpected noise.

“Just my stupid fucking cats, again.”

“You have cats?” He’d never mentioned them, much like nearly everything else about himself. Still, in retrospect, Magnus felt stupid for not asking beforehand.

“Yeah, two. They like to knock shit over. You know how it goes.”

“Two? Usually I can tell when they’re a mile away because I’m so allergic,” Magnus laughed nervously, eying the hall where the sound came from. It really was strange how his eyes hadn’t even so much as itched yet. “You don’t want to go check it out?”

“They’re those fucking weird, uh, hypoallergenic cats, or whatever they’re called. And nah, I’ll just deal with it later. Anyway, about that concert. Maybe next time. I think I might be able to appreciate it more once I learn a little more myself.” He wiggled the guitar by the neck, raising his eyebrows. “I mean, you haven’t even taught me the first note yet.” He smiled and it was almost as if he hadn’t just sworn more in twenty seconds than he had in the entire time Magnus had known him.

“O-oh yeah.” Eager to put a little more life in their somewhat awkward conversation, Magnus quickly scooted in closer, pointing to the neck and fretboard. “Go ahead and grip it the way I showed you.”

Gabe clearly attempted to remember the proper hand posture Magnus had shown him and gingerly pressed down strings at random. “It feels kinda cool, but I also kinda feel like an idiot.”

“You could start with an A, it’s easy,” Magnus offered, desperate to recover the situation. “It’s just three fingers, like this.” He reached over, cautiously moving Gabe’s fingers into a row to form the note before quickly pulling back. “You have to press on them hard. It’s gonna hurt like I mentioned. Oh yeah, here,” Magnus added, rising to his knees to pull out the pick he’d stashed in his pocket. “I’m sure you know how to use this.”

Gabe took the pick, pressed his fingers down and strummed, but the chord was muted. “It’s not supposed to sound like that, right?”

Before he could give up, Magnus moved to his side and took closer look. “You’re touching the other strings. Try using your fingertips instead of the middle, and make sure it’s right…there.” He moved Gabe’s fingers just slightly before letting go again. “Try again.”

He strummed again and it was perfect. His lips cracked into that awful smile of his, and Magnus couldn’t help but beam back. The victory was small but enough, it seemed, to keep Gabe’s focus. They continued for a little while longer, Magnus fishing up one of his easier tabs to offer a better visual reference. Note by note and strum by strum, Gabe seemed to be getting the hang of it, but eventually his attention seemed to drift off towards the hall where the glass object had been broken.

“Your cats again…?”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” His eyes fell back to the tabs on the floor.

“Is something wrong?” Concern outweighing the consequences, Magnus finally gathered the courage to inquire. “You’ve been a little…off today…no offense.”

Gabe was silent. He lifted his head and looked Magnus straight in the eyes. He looked like a completely different person.

_Do it already._

Magnus blinked, torn from Gabe’s cold gaze, looking up at the stereo they hadn’t even used yet. “Did you hear-”

“Magnus, I have a question.” Gabe’s voice was sudden, so serious, Magnus did a double-take. He’d never heard him speak like that.

“Y-yeah?”

“Do you like me?”

Every single prior thought, idea, _concept_ was instantly stripped from Magnus’ mind. For a moment, he even forgot how to speak.

“I- I mean-” he stammered, “of course I do. You’re my friend.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I-”

“You’re always staring at my mouth.”

“Y-you just-” Oh god, he’d been _staring?_ “You just have a nice smile- I mean-”

“Magnus, do you want to kiss me?”

Magnus was rendered completely motionless as he stared stupidly at the boy he very much liked, whose smile was so genuine it felt fake, whose questioning felt more like interrogation.

“No…” No, no, no, no, _no no no no no-_

Suddenly, Gabe leant in, the guitar sliding from his lap, the soft impact upon carpet echoing within its hollows. Head tilted and face close, he hung back to ask his final question.

“You’re gay, right?”

Magnus couldn’t answer. He had no more words to give. But there were other ways to reply. He moved in slowly, just until their lips were not even an inch apart before hesitating, waiting for an okay.

And then he felt the word on his lips just as much as he heard it.

_“Faggot.”_

His blood ran cold. A hand was at his chest, shoving him back until he hit the ground hard, carpet burning into his elbows. But he felt nothing as he stared, horrorstruck, back up at his friend.

 _What?_ He wanted to voice his confusion, his terror, but his body was frozen solid.

“FUCK-ING _FINALLY!”_ A shrill voice cut through the air and surge of fear cut straight through Magnus like lightning.

“God I thought you’d pussy out, Gabe!”

Magnus watched in absolute horror as four people emerged from the hall like insects crawling out of the woodwork. He recognized them instantly.

“You weren’t supposed to come out yet, assholes,” Gabe shot back with a sneer and a shrug. He was standing now, circling around Magnus and moving towards his friends. “But whatever. Pay up, all of you. I got in a close as I could get, but goddamn I have to keep a little dignity, guys.”

“Hey, fuck you, faggot!” one of the guys shot at Magnus. “I had faith that you weren’t some queer! You cost me a hundred and fifty fucking bucks!”

“God, no wonder you didn’t know your dad,” one of the girls scoffed. “He probably ran off when he realized he had a son who was gonna want it up the ass.”

There was an awful howl of laughter from the second guy as he looked down at Magnus with disgust. “Yeah, I’d bail if I found out my son jacked it to Paul Stanley, too!”

“Oh shut it,” the other girl cut in, “I think you’re making him cry.” Her tone was saturated in sarcasm as she placed her hands on bent knees and looked down at Magnus like he was an infant. “Don’t be sad, kid. You got me back all the money I paid Gabe for this whole year.”

Time had ground to a halt. Magnus’ burning eyes flitted from blurry face to blurry face as they all yammered on as if he wasn’t there, dishing out cash and shoving it into Gabe’s hands reluctantly as Gabe himself stood like some sort of proud monarch, gazing down at Magnus past the bridge of his nose, no trace of the boy Magnus thought he knew.

“What’re you staring at, cocksucker?” The guy who lost the bet stepped forward threateningly as Magnus scrambled to his feet. “Don’t you get it? He was never actually your friend.” Magnus could barely command his body to back away as the guy drew nearer, tears streaking down his cheeks, stripped of all color. Just as he spun on his heel to make a sprint for the door, a hand caught him by the hair and pulled back until he fell to the floor once again, the carpet burning into his raw elbows a second time. “Come on, freak, get lost already.”

“Watch out, he might bite you and give you AIDS!”

The boy recoiled in fright at the warning, giving Magnus just enough time to spring up and tear out the front door, running as fast as his bare feet could take him. His head was completely empty as he ran. Halfway to his house, he couldn’t take it any longer. Knees weak, they buckled under the adrenaline. He tripped and skidded across the concrete, skinning both palms and a knee straight through his jeans. Everything burned but Magnus could feel nothing. He curled up, back against the curb, and finally broke down. His brain finally caught up to him and suddenly his thoughts were going a mile a minute as the entire situation replayed itself over and over, every little thing playing out simultaneously, every word, every look of disgust, forced its way back into his head as though they were all happening to him again. His chest and throat were on fire, and suddenly he was overcome with painful, dry wheezing and heaving.

He didn’t feel real. Nothing felt real. This wasn’t happening. He wasn’t here. He wanted nothing more than to die. No, dying wasn’t enough. He needed to be erased entirely.

Numb, trembling, bloody hands pushed him up from the concrete. He had to keep going. They could have set out after him. Summoning all that he had left in him, Magnus got back on his feet and limped back to his house. Nearly collapsing at the door, his shaking fingers removed the key from his pocket. He stared down at it for a split second as he realized it was the only thing he’d taken with him that had gotten to come back home with him.

Even once he was inside and the door was locked, Magnus did not feel any safer. Gabe knew exactly where he lived now, and he would no doubt tell his friends, just as he’d so obviously told them so much. He sat on the floor, back against the front door as he waited for the trembling to pass, wiping at his dirty face as the tears refused to cease their relentless flow. He could not gauge how much time had passed, but finally the strength to stand returned to him. Rinsing his knee and hands from the dried blood, torn skin, and embedded gravel, he wrapped it with toilet paper as makeshift gauze then finally retreated to his room where he spent the rest of the day, the rest of the night-

-the rest of the week.

Even as days passed, he could still feel the whisper of that word against his lips.

Though the room was silent and dark, Magnus covered his ears, closed his eyes, and shut his heart.

It never opened again.


	4. Nightfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to put the summary succinctly: https://goo.gl/vbxp5Q

Feigning illness only worked for so long until his mother gave him no choice but to return to school. Telling her any part of what had happened was unthinkable, so Magnus pushed on in hopes that the five hadn’t shared their exploits. Of course, that would have been asking for too much. As soon as he set foot in the building, eyes were upon him everywhere he went.

It was just paranoia, he told himself, just his mind fixating on others more than usual. No one knew. The looks were emotionally taxing but the day remained uneventful until he reached his locker for the first time since his return. The blood drained from his face. Carved into the metal were three large letters: _FAG._ Swallowing hard, and not knowing what else to do, he quickly took what he needed and hurried off to class, but the torment showed no sign of ceasing.

“Hey, that’s him…” Hushed voices that were just a little less quiet than they perhaps thought they were reached his ear. “A friend told me he wasn’t coming to school because he was sick from _AIDS.”_

“What? No way! Are we safe? Do only gay people get it?”

“That’s what I heard, actually.”

“Still, don’t you think they should like, quarantine him or something? Why is he coming to school?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really want to even be in the same room as-”

Magnus shrank into himself and covered his ears, hands hiding behind his hair. The day was almost over. One last class and he’d rush home before he had to face anything worse.

At least, that had been the plan until the bell rang and Magnus fled the classroom as hastily as the flood of eager-to-leave students would allow, only to stop dead in his tracks as he turned the corner. Gabe was just down the hall, talking to someone, _smiling_ as if he suffered no burdens from his actions. His stomach lurching, Magnus didn’t waste a second turning and beginning a detour through the nearly empty gymnasium hall. Hoping he hadn’t been seen, he foolishly glanced back only to accidentally clip the person walking past him with his shoulder. There was a rattle as the person glanced off the glass trophy case against the wall.

“Watch where you’re fucking g-”

Dread dragged its claws down his chest as he looked up into one of the faces that had been haunting his nightmares for the past week.

 _“Oh.”_ Gabe’s friend narrowed his eyes, voice dripping with disdain. “Thought you’d gone off and killed yourself. What a shame.”

Magnus tried to step to side to run past him, but the boy matched his movement, blocking him from escape. He wanted to turn and run back the way he came, but the last time he had tried that, his hair had been caught by the hair and thrown to the ground – by the very person who stood before him. Magnus’ body locked into place.

“Now listen up, fag.” There it was again, this time in a quiet snarl as he closed in like a starving wolf. “You’re gonna pretend like nothing happened, and if you go crying to mommy or a teacher, you’re going to wish you killed yourself while you had the chance.” When he received no response, his hands came up and gripped Magnus’ shirt. _“You got that?”_

A sudden flash of fear and adrenaline surged through Magnus’ veins at the touch, taking control of his body where his brain had shut off. His feet regained their balance and then braced themselves as his fist found its way across the sneering face before him. Without waiting for the grip at his chest to loosen, Magnus’ hands did the same, tightly grabbing the fabric of the boy’s shirt. Stepping forward to regain lost momentum, Magnus violently twisted the two of them around and _pushed_. He watched in slow motion as the once sneering face contorted into an ugly grimaced, his hands releasing Magnus as he fell straight back against the trophy case, his spine shattering the glass in an ear-splitting crash. Shards of glass rained down on him as his head cracked against a shelf, and then his legs gave out and he dropped to the bottom of the case.

And Magnus stared down at what he’d caused. The boy’s head hung limp, his body blanketed with broken glass, trophies and plaques toppled and cracked underneath him. His eyes flitted from detail to detail. Several red bands suddenly formed and darkened along the boy’s arms and cheek. Blood trickled down the cuts and Magnus stepped back, the gravity of his involuntary actions dawning on him. He looked up frantically – only two other people were in the hall, but both were wide-eyed and staring, hands clasped over their mouths. He weakly reached a trembling hand out in their direction.

 _“Help-”_ He tried to plead, but his throat was dry and tight. “Please…” One girl finally moved, grabbing the other by her elbow and pulling her from her trance. They were gone in a heartbeat, leaving Magnus alone with his victim. The white collar of his shirt was now stained red by blood trailing down his scalp and neck. Magnus swallowed. What had he done? He took a hesitant step forward and suddenly there was movement. Gabe’s friend shifted slightly, and then his eyes opened. He was still alive. Not about to be the one to rush to his aid while he was conscious, Magnus turned abruptly, only to find three teachers running towards him. The two girls lingered behind as they watched one forcibly restrain Magnus while the other two rushed to the bleeding boy’s side. Looking back over his shoulder at the damage he’d done, Magnus did not resist as he was escorted away from the scene.

 

The events of the days that followed blurred together into what felt like a long, awful afternoon. Magnus could remember sitting in the office alone, the interrogations by both teacher and campus police, his mother’s furious screams over the phone and then in person. He remembered how he tried countless times to explain that he had only acted in self-defense, but his refusal to mention their previous history caused his case to suffer, despite the two witnesses’ claims that he was telling the truth.

He assumed it would only be a matter of time before the teachers informed his mother of the rumors about her son and the vandalism of his locker, but the topic never came up. At first he was grateful to avoid further questioning from his mother, but he quickly realized that the lack of inquiry hadn’t been for the sake of his wellbeing. The teachers simply played ignorant, refusing to acknowledge the reason for the bullying in order to avoid a messy situation they didn’t want to dirty their hands with. And though he could not deny grabbing Magnus due to the witnesses’ statements, Gabe’s friend no doubt kept out the more damning parts of his actions in order to remain as victimized as possible. Despite what turned out to only be superficial cuts and scrapes, the boy’s parents played up the suffering and trauma exponentially with each passing day, demanding compensation for the hospital bills - and for Magnus to be expelled, among other things. Miraculously, their outlandishly tall orders of punishment for the “murderous psychopath” fell through, leaving both boys with out-of-school suspension.

Though Magnus was given two weeks and the guy who caused the entire mess was given only one, he found it more a blessing than anything else. There was no place he’d rather be than in his room, completely alone with the thoughts he now let consume him. He allowed himself a few days to wallow in self-pity, miserably milling about in silence without his guitar to ease his anxieties, until one night, something clicked. The image of the limp, bloodied body caged in glass was stuck in his mind as usual – he hadn’t been able to go a day without thinking of it – when a thought presented itself to him. For all the trouble the asshole had caused, for all the time and money lost that Magnus’ mother now had to work even longer hours to make up for, for ruining Magnus’ only chance at resuming his unassuming life and letting the rumors blow over and die out…

...he wished he’d done more.

If things were going to end up this way…why couldn’t he have done more? He wondered how much he could have done once the girls were gone and no one was left to witness him push it further. What would have been the line between suspension and criminal charges? If it was self-defense, if it was just an accident, how much more pain could he have inflicted without raising suspicion? Gritting his teeth, Magnus recalled the blood trickling down the cuts on his head and arms. If only the glass shards had pierced him instead of decorating him with _papercuts_. If only he had suffered a concussion from the blow to his head instead of putting him into a gentle daze. If only he’d received enough injury to leave in him in pain for days, _weeks,_ torturing him every second of every day the way he and his friends had left Magnus. If only enough had happened to give his parents something to _really_ cry over. If only he was _half_ the victim he claimed to be.

Magnus felt disgust with himself, not for the new perspective that invaded his mind, but for the weakness he’d shown up until now. Why did he feel responsible for something that wasn’t his fault? Why had he even wasted breath trying to summon help for someone so unworthy of such consideration? Magnus now knew he had done nothing wrong. Even if the boy had died, the blood wouldn’t have been on his hands. None of this was his fault. The boy deserved everything that had happened to him and more. Magnus was certain of this.

During his suspension, his mother had even less to say to him than usual, but after almost a week of no communication, she finally tried to reach out to her son in an attempt to understand what caused such an uncharacteristic change in his behavior. But Magnus spurned her efforts. There was nothing she could do or say to help him when she would no doubt fall apart at the suggestion that her son was gay. Because he could never talk to her about the truth, he chose not to talk at all, and after near enough pleading her son to open up to her, she eventually gave up altogether. His distance was the stake that finally drove them apart.

Returning to school was just as annoying as he’d expected. His locker door had been replaced, but everywhere he went, eyes continued to follow. But the attention didn’t bother him as much as seeing Gabe in the halls, the library, the cafeteria - everywhere he tried to escape, Gabe or his friends were there, their glares heavy with contempt. He’d tried to be strong and force himself through it, but after two weeks of staying home and doing whatever he pleased, all the suspension had done was make him realize just how very little he wanted to be in school.

His truancy began with leaving school early, then skipping it entirely. Though he initially tried to keep up with homework, in time everything was too far gone to save. Because his allowance was based on his performance in school, he had always been an all-A student in order to fund his music related purchases, but now, stripped of his guitar, he couldn’t care less about his report card if it meant being where he didn’t want to be. Even skipping finals, he allowed his grades to plummet, lying to his mother that school was going fine while intercepting mailed notices and phone calls.

It was unnecessary to bother her, or anyone, with such unimportant matters. He didn’t need to rely on others for help when he could make his own decisions. He didn’t need others at all. They didn’t matter. The things they said, the lies they made up, the way they judged without even knowing him – none of it mattered.

No one mattered but himself. Magnus had seen what he was capable of doing. He knew he had power. And now it was time to live accordingly.

 

* * *

 

Magnus never saw his guitar again, but in the boredom of nothing to do all day, his fingers itched to practice. Before he went crazy, he adventured out into town and began frequenting the small music shop he’d bought the acoustic from. After weeks of noticing his regular visitor who seemed enamored with the store but never bought anything, the manager offered Magnus a part-time job for the busier summer hours that were soon approaching. It was the first lucky break Magnus had ever had, and at first he was skeptical, but backed with a small paycheck and a generous employee discount, Magnus quickly saved up enough for an electric guitar and all the equipment he needed. But even in all his excitement, he never took the new guitar home. He kept it locked away in the breakroom, only practicing in the store when he was allowed.

The job ushered him into a new corner of the world he had never before experienced in person. His manager shared his connections, leading Magnus to a second part-time job at a small bar and venue. And while networking and interacting with people drained him, it was refreshing to finally talk to people who had no preconceived notions and knew nothing about him. Still, even with such like-minded people, Magnus did not make friends. He only made connections of his own, using them as he saw fit to keep moving forward.

Unfortunately, moving forward meant having to look back. When Magnus realized he wanted to take his musical education further, he forced himself to focus and salvage what he could of his remaining time in high school. Getting out was the priority, so having to repeat a grade was simply out of the question. Through the detentions and suspensions and careful planning of when he should attend important classes and tests, Magnus just barely managed to graduate. His final grades were abysmal, but with his store manager’s guidance, he focused his motivation and drive into college applications. Despite the rough start, he was beyond proud to say his skill had earned him a handful of scholarships, allowing him to not only go to college, but move out of his mother’s house and finally live the way he wanted to.

Living alone was liberating. He could practice whenever he liked, he could drink and smoke, and even bring men home without worry. He had his first kiss minutes before losing his virginity – the entire ordeal had been completely impersonal, just a formality that he needed to be addressed. It might have seemed cold to others, but living the way _he_ felt was right allowed him to slowly come to terms with his sexuality. He’d be the first to admit that his entire high school experience had probably traumatized him in a way, but as the years went on, he sought to grow from it.

The AIDS scare of the eighties was a nightmare for people of his persuasion. Over the years, people died slowly, one by one; from people he had known personally to the musicians he’d long admired. He wondered if he too would eventually die from disease, if it was really the divine punishment people said it was, but his life continued on regardless. He’d spent the first sixteen years of his life shy and uncertain and fragile and _ashamed_. But that cowering child had died, killed by his own hand. Now, rather than mourning for it, he chose to live every day making up for lost time.

Life wasn’t easy, but it was finally beginning to become okay. Nothing could stop him now. Or so he thought, until one night, for the first time in seven years, he saw him again.


	5. Ticking Twilight

After graduation, Magnus had assumed he’d never have to see Gabe again. But here he was…seeing him again, in a place he never thought Gabe of all people would step foot in. Though interacting with him on any level was at the bottom of the list of things he’d ever want to do, it just so happened that Magnus was bored and a little all too curious. As he rose from his seat and approached the lost looking specter from his past, Gabe’s eyes widened in disbelief.

“Never thought I’d see you here,” Magnus began, stopping just short of the young man he now towered over. “Or ever again, for that matter.”

“…Magnus?” His voice was deeper, but still so very much _him_.

“Oh good. And here I thought you’d forgotten all about me.”

“I- Holy shit…” Gabe gawked as he scanned Magnus’ face, body, then face again. “You look so different, I didn’t even recognize you at first…”

“I guess that’s a good thing.”

“Wow… You got…tall.”

Magnus returned the examination with one of his own. Gabe hadn’t changed even half as drastically as Magnus had, but if his overall look had hints of it before, it now absolutely screamed ‘my father will sue you if you punch me.’

“And you got douchier.”

Perhaps caught off guard by the comment, Gabe laughed it off nervously as he looked around at the people walking around them. Magnus wanted to laugh at how obviously out of his element he looked.

“Sorry, it’s just so weird seeing you again. And here, of all places…”

“Where else would I be?” Magnus remarked dryly, but it seemed his sarcasm was lost on Gabe. Though it was very low key and homey rather than flashy, the bar Magnus often frequented was indeed a gay bar at the end of the day. It was more surprising to see Gabe there than anyone else, but it was clear he was uncomfortable with the people around him. Now curious, Magnus invited him to his spot at the bar where they could talk and catch up, even going so far as buying him a drink.

“You know for a long time I wanted to find you again and just… I wanted to apologize, Magnus.” Gabe looked up and met Magnus’ unimpressed gaze, but he couldn’t hold eye contact for long before his eyes dropped, perhaps in shame, to the sticky counter. “Is there any way you could possibly forgive me for what I did to you?”

Magnus stared, his expression bored, not reflecting the spark he felt inside. Things were going to get interesting. “Of course.”

“…Really?” Gabe shot up straight, suddenly looking at Magnus directly, completely incredulous.

“It’s all water under the bridge. It was ten years ago. I don’t hold grudges.”

“Oh thank God,” he breathed before smiling that hideous smile. “I swear I meant to do this earlier, but you dropped off the map and I didn’t know where to find you… No one really knew what happened to you, so after a while I kind of gave up.”

“But not before checking gay bars, apparently.” Like he’d said, where else would he fucking be, right? It was like the only defining, memorable trait he had was being gay, not the way he’d been able to talk for hours about his inspirations and lofty dreams or music and its history.

“Oh, no, I’m not here because I was looking for you- I really shouldn’t even be here…”

He could say that again.

“But I’m glad I came tonight. God really is looking out for me.”

 _“God?”_ Now it was Magnus’ turn to be completely bewildered.

“Yes, actually!” Gabe seemed all too eager to reply. “I’ve been trying to get in touch with…well, I’ve been going to this church…”

“Huh.” What the fuck. “You never really pegged me as the…religious type.”

“I know, but it’s been really helpful.”

“Something weighing down your conscience?” It was meant to be another sarcastic jab, but again, Gabe did not pick up on it. Instead he looked down at his untouched drink, tilting the glass.

“Well, you know… I’m _here._ ”

Well _that_ wasn’t what he was looking for. Magnus played dumb, letting his eyes dart around the bar before shrugging, signaling for Gabe to elaborate further.

“You know. At a gay bar.”

Magnus had to stop himself from strangling him.

“And that’s troubling you because? Don’t tell me you go looking for _faggots_ to harass-”

“Magnus, I’m here because I’m gay.”

Mouth still open from speaking, Magnus stared like an idiot right back at the very serious, very nervous, homophobic douchebag that had caused him no end of suffering.

“I know, I know… It’s part of why I was so desperate to find you again, to apologize but also explain. I think I treated you that way because I… I didn’t know for sure, and I was so scared of it being true...” He sifted a hand through his hair, turning his attention back to the shelf of alcohol past the counter. “It started off as a bet but then you- you went and made things complicated. Your goddamn enthusiasm for everything, the way you got excited over shit I didn’t care about, it all started making me think things I didn’t want to think. By the end of it I was so glad to get away from you because you were… I didn’t want to be a target like you. I didn’t want to be gay. No one would suspect me if I…did the things I did to you.”

Magnus had closed his mouth at some point, still staring back at Gabe but through half-lidded, unenthused eyes. How absolutely fascinating.

“I need to ask again… Knowing all this, can you still forgive me?”

Hesitating for only a second, Magnus smiled. The decision had made itself.

“Like I said, water under the bridge. I’m more interested in catching up. If you finish your drink, I’ll buy you another for your time.” He had bills to pay but his priorities had now been rearranged.

“I don’t know, I mean, I really shouldn’t be here.”

“Come on, it’s been so long. Tell me about yourself now.” He flagged down the bartender, ordering a round of shots for the two of them and Gabe finally caved in.

After downing the shots and sipping away at his first drink, he explained everything out of high school in painfully dull detail. He’d gone straight to college out of high school and his friendship with the other four had died out shortly after. Afraid of being friendless, he used his parents money to join a fraternity, then partied so often and so hard that he almost got put on academic probation, switched his major two times, had his “first, actual, secret homosexual experience,” then switched his major a third time from the panic of the following identity crisis. His parents, having supported him for so long had finally given him an ultimatum: clean up his act, graduate, and get a job, or get cut off. It was only after he graduated that he realized the final major he’d landed on had been utterly useless in finding him a job he felt passionately about.

It was in his wandering aimlessly about that a member from his church organization he’d mentioned had found him. Still in the midst of fearing his sexuality while being completely and totally incapable of coming out to anyone he knew, especially his family, he’d looked to the kindness and hope the church had offered him. It was with them he’d finally felt that he needed to repent and seek forgiveness for his selfish and cruel transgressions. He’d thought he could change and relieve himself of the burden of guilt while volunteering with the church. With some excitement, he admitted that they’d were considering granting him a full-time job, part of which entailed working with the youth groups. He saw it, as he put it, “as a chance to have a positive role in children’s lives for once.”

Magnus held his tongue. Instead, he ordered another round of shots, much to Gabe’s dismay.

“I really shouldn’t, man. I need to get home. I just can’t risk being, like, seen here. I’m sure you know how it is.”

“No, Gabe, come on, you were meant to run into me. You said it yourself. Let’s celebrate putting the past behind us. Starting fresh.” He slid the shot glass closer. “You owe me.”

“I… If you insist…”

“I do.”

Once the shots were gone, Magnus immediately ordered a replacement for the drink Gabe had started off with. It was clear from his pitifully weak attempts to stop Magnus from ordering more that he was enjoying the free booze and attention. Magnus let him talk and talk about the church, South Cross as he learned it was called, and endured his spiel about seeking atonement, and the shame he would feel if his family found out about his sexuality, and how he still wasn’t brave enough yet to confess his _sinful_ desires to the pastor. He rarely asked for Magnus to speak about himself, but Magnus found that he didn’t mind so much, only cutting in every now and then to replenish Gabe’s drinks. It was when Gabe’s eyes began to wander that he knew he’d had enough.

“You know, Magnus, I’m just so fuckin’… So fuckin’ glad I found you. Like…” He searched for the words, but he was all but blessed with eloquence. “…I’m just so fuckin’ _glad.”_

“I get it,” Magnus laughed, but Gabe shook his head.

“No like, you don’t understand. Now I have someone to talk to about _this._ Like, you can’t imagine, man. How fuckin’ hard this is, like…I can’t tell anyone. No one knows. When I outed you, you didn’t have to keep it a fuckin’ secret anymore. It must have been so freeing, man…”

Magnus offered up another smile and laugh and watched as Gabe’s eyes drifted down to his lips as he spoke. “You’re right. I can’t even imagine.”

“And you grew up hot, y’know? And you’re like, confident now.”

“Gabe.”

“You must get a lotta action…”

“Hey, you wanna know something?” Magnus smirked.

“Huh?”

“All these years, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

“…Really?”

“Gabe, do you want to kiss me?”

Finally, Gabe was rendered speechless for the first time all night.

“You’re staring at my mouth...” Bracing himself against the counter, Magnus leant in and tilted his head with a seductive smile. “Gabe, do you want to come home with me?”

 _“Fuck yes,”_ he breathed, and Magnus wasted no time bringing their mouths together into a sloppy, long overdue kiss.

 

* * *

 

Towel hanging around his neck, Magnus leant back against the doorframe of his room, his hair still dripping from the shower. A cigarette burned at his lips as he gazed blankly out at the man in his bed. Once his all too eager mouth was full and he’d stopped talking, Gabe had been far more pleasant to deal with than earlier in the night. Too drunk and exhausted to stand, let alone take a shower, he’d fallen asleep in Magnus’ bed, leaving Magnus alone, just as he preferred. But quiet, asleep, it didn’t matter – he was there, this man he never thought he’d see again. Never in his wildest dreams did Magnus think he’d ever fuck the living daylights out of the homophobic asshole who’d ruined his life without an ounce of genuine remorse. He exhaled the smoke through his nose and pushed off from the doorway. Now he just needed to do it one more time.

Magnus moved to the kitchen and picked up the phone.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha gabe is gay haha get it???? GAYB is gay hahaha


	6. Reprisal

“I know I said I might stay, but I really can’t tonight.” Gabe had plant himself at the door to Magnus’ apartment, not allowing himself to be drawn in. A duffle bag was slung over his shoulder; Magnus assumed he’d just finished volunteering. “I’m just here for two things. First, my undershirt.” He raised his eyebrows and held his hand out expectantly.

“I told you I couldn’t find it.”

“I- _You_ took it off in your room. It couldn’t have gone far.”

“You could always come in and have a drink while I look again.”

Gabe sighed and finally stepped inside, shaking his head. “Fine. But I’m not staying long.” He followed Magnus in, stopping in the small living room as Magnus headed to the kitchen.

“Why the sudden change of heart?” Magnus inquired, digging ice out of the freezer with the cup before filling it with Gabe’s favorite liquor. “I canceled my plans for you, you know. After I went and bought a bottle of this for you, too.” He handed the glass over as Gabe sat down on the faded and torn sofa with a bit of hesitation. This was only the second time he’d been in Magnus’ apartment, and the first time not drunk or hungover. The judgment he held at Magnus’ living conditions was clear as day.

“Well, someone fell through so Richard- I mean, Mr. Davis needs me tomorrow morning…at the church. I can’t bail because he’s the one I have to impress if I want this job.”

“Come on, they don’t even pay you yet. You’re not obligated to drop everything just for them,” Magnus slid down on the couch next to him, giving him a sly smirk. “Stay and have some fun. You can leave right after if you want.” Gabe tried to keep a straight face, but Magnus noticed the way his cheeks tinted.

“The other night was enough sin to last me the rest of the year. You’re asking me to have crazy gay sex and then go straight to church like nothing even happened.”

“Well, when you put it like that…” Magnus pressed his lips together, tilting his head and looking up as if considering the thought – then looked back at Gabe and nodded firmly. “Yeah.”

“Just find my shirt.”

God, he was somehow even more insufferable sober. Magnus had never actually known the “real” Gabe in high school, so if this was how he was back then, his head so far up his ass he couldn’t see plain sarcasm, it was a wonder how he even had any friends at all. Magnus swallowed back a sigh as he sulked back to his room. Maybe tonight just wasn’t the night. Having not even tried to find the shirt before at all, he kicked around some dirty laundry and discovered it almost immediately. He picked it up and returned to the living room, tossing it to Gabe’s side. 

 _“Thank you.”_ His snobby tone of voice made Magnus want to gag. “And now for the second thing…” He shoved the shirt into the small duffle bag he’d brought in and then began digging around for something else. “I couldn’t find more than these but…”

Magnus blinked as he produced two cassette tapes. After a moment of closer examination, it clicked – they were two of the four he’d taken to Gabe’s house that awful day. Surprised to find himself rendered speechless, Magnus took them into his hands, turning them over as the memories of all the times he’d played them in his room.

“I figured you’d just throw them away or pawn them off.”

“Well, we sold the guitar but no one wanted these.” He shrugged as he sipped at his drink. “They were just collecting dust until my dad finally decided we were done with cassettes and cassette players and replaced them all with CD players. He likes to be up to date with…”

Magnus stopped listening, his attention lost. So that’s what happened to his guitar. How could someone so effortlessly, so _casually_ admit to the awful things he’d done without showing a single ounce of remorse?

Suddenly, a thought struck him. Maybe he didn’t have to give up on the night after all.

“Hey, how about we give them a quick listen, for nostalgia’s sake?” Magnus offered, taking them and turning them over. “I have a tape deck.” Without waiting for Gabe to decline, he hopped off the couch and headed to his room. Just as he hoped, Gabe followed close behind, peeking in just as he popped the tape in. But just as he was about to hit play, Gabe gave his room another judgmental look.

“Was it this cluttered last time?” he meandered about the room as far as the messy floors would allow him, his eyes almost invasively scanning Magnus’ personal belongings from the electric guitar resting against the wall to the clothing-covered amp and array of guitar pedals lining the top of his dresser. When Gabe lifted a pair of pants haphazardly thrown on top of the electrical hazard, he raised a brow and looked up to Magnus.

“What are all these pedals? And is this a camera?”

 _“Don’t_ touch the camera. I’m borrowing it from a guy at the venue I work at. It’s more expensive than your shoes, so just leave it alone. It’s for recording when I play in here.”

“Alright, alright…” He backed away from the dresser but still didn’t sit.

“Just listen to this shit. Tell me if you remember any of it.” Magnus turned back around and finally hit play. The first song began and the plan had nearly backfired. Immediately his high school days – the peaceful ones – flooded him. It had been ten long years since he’d last heard this song, but everything still came back to him. Even the two weeks of winter vacation came back, reminding him how naïve and stupid he’d been as he excitedly picked out songs with Gabe on his mind. Magnus wanted to slam on the eject button, but noticing it was beginning to affect Gabe the same way, he forced himself to resist.

“I remember this song… I think it’s the one you were trying to teach me.”

Not replying, Magnus sat down on the edge of the bed, turning the remaining cassette over in his hand. It was one of the new, at the time, releases he’d been so excited to share with him. They never did get to it. The bed shifted and Magnus looked up. Gabe had seated himself at his side.

“It’s not too late for us to try again, is it?” Gabe asked, his eyes almost begging like a dog.

“You wanna be some born again Christian but secretly sleep with me at the same time? Weren’t you just saying that’s the shit you didn’t want to do?”

“Yes, but…”

Magnus shut him up with his mouth. Unsurprisingly, Gabe kissed back just as fervently until Magnus pulled back just enough to speak.

“At least _God_ always forgives.”

“I’ll ask for His forgiveness later. You said you canceled your plans for me?”

“Yeah,” Magnus muttered, pushing Gabe down onto the bed and beginning a trail of kisses down his neck. “So you can’t leave now.”

There came no reply but hands slipping up his shirt and Magnus smirked against his skin.

He had him.

 

* * *

 

The venue in midday was empty and quiet save for Magnus and his coworker, a professional photographer who spent his free time taking shots at concerts for venue and band publicity. Having worked together for the past several years, Magnus had come to learn that very little fazed him and that his morals were adjustable, particularly when money was involved. He’d been the perfect person for the task and he hadn’t disappointed.

The two sat at a table and sofa tucked away in the corner of the lounge while Magnus flipped through the set of photos he was handed.

“Man, these are...”

“Absolutely obscene?”

“Putting it gently,” Magnus remarked, raising his eyebrows, “but they’re perfect. I couldn’t have done this without you or your cameras. You did a great job.”

“Nah man, I just gave you the tools and developed them. But look at these. _You_ did a great job. You ever think about being in p-”

“ _No_. No, sorry. No.” Magnus stacked the photos back up and slipped them back into their envelope.

“Just sayin’ man. You may be typecast but they’d love you. I’m here if you ever change your mind. I know a guy or two…” His coworker trailed off into a rather devious chuckle.

“Yeah… I’ll let you know if I ever decide to change careers…”

“Yeah, man I got you covered. Anyway, thanks for the tip. Hit me up if you ever need anything else.”

They exchanged farewells and Magnus exhaled slowly as he reclined in his seat, gazing down through tired eyes at the folder of photographs in his hands.

 

* * *

 

Although he’d been prepared to do some research and digging, Gabe’s big mouth had given Magnus most of the information he’d needed in their short time together.

Magnus pulled the large envelopes from the bag at his side and slipped them into the postbox one at a time:

One addressed to Gabe’s childhood home where his parents and younger sister still lived.

Two addressed to his two closest friends.

One addressed to one Richard Davis.

And two addressed to “South Cross Church” – one to donations and one to the pastor himself.

He lit a cigarette and took a long, deep drag before targeting the nearest payphone. It was just past noon. If everything was going accordingly, Gabe would be out volunteering. When Magnus rang and reached his answering machine, he knew it was finally over.

“Hey, man. Just wanted to let you know some shit came up at the worst time. I’m getting evicted from my apartment. Some bullshit about it being too dirty and me being too loud or something, I don’t know, but they can suck my dick. I’m going to be out of touch for a week or so. I’ve got a place lined up already, but until then I won’t be able to get calls so don’t bother. Oh and I’ve already gotten most of my shit moved out. Did most of it this morning, so don’t expect to find me at my apartment. Just focus on getting that job and enjoy being sin-free while you can.”

He hung up and moved back outside, staring out at the ocean’s docks just across the road. What he’d said wasn’t entirely untrue. He’d moved out of his apartment the night before, though he’d actually bartered with the landlord to free him of his lease two months early without penalty. He’d caused a number of noise complaints so it was in their better interest to get rid of him sooner rather than later, after all. With better options out there, he’d wanted to leave for quite some time, but Gabe’s presence had tainted the place and pushed him to leave even faster. He’d even decided to sell his mattress for a few spare bucks, shitty and old as it was. The money was a plus, but his primary goal was to rid himself of anything that could have served as a reminder. He didn’t even know if he’d want to step foot in the bar they’d met at.

But all in all, Magnus felt just fine.

Beginning the walk back to his new apartment, he made one last stop along the boardwalk, overlooking the ocean. He leant on the railing, wishing he could see the fallout of his long-lusted revenge, but he knew indulging in that gratification would only lead to obsession, and he would never be able to move on and accept the closure he was very fortunately granted.

Ash fell from his cigarette, instantly pulled under by the rolling waves and disappearing without a trace – like it had never been there at all. There had been a time when he wished the same upon himself and the desire came back to him every now and then, but… There would be an end to it one day, he’d told himself. Until then, the taste of revenge would have to placate him.

Opening his bag once more, he fished up the two cassettes Gabe had returned to him. He stared down at them emotionlessly before letting them slip from his fingers and hit the water. They desperately attempted to stay afloat but as their hollow insides filled with water, the murky depths quickly pulled them under, swallowing them whole.

Rock wasn’t his thing anymore anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me on this little detour into my RoE!Magnus' past. I truly appreciate all the support I've been getting across fics. I really can't thank you all enough. It really motivates me and keeps me going.
> 
> Fun Fact: Magnus could only get it up for Gabe when he thought about strangling or basically torturing him.


End file.
